IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

Wah, long time no write with English.

Nowadays, I like being friends with Blogger Energy, they have successfully given me so much energy writing my blog with all stories, experiences, and thoughts.

But, now I’m going to throw away all the things filling in my heart like a hell, noone I wanna talk with about this thoughts. Not because I have noone to talk. I have many in fact. I am just so fed up to the death telling about the same thing all the time. No matter how much I tell, nothing I gained.

I don’t know how to start with this story. Since not many will understand what I write, I think it is okay to throw away all the damn feeling here. I wanna cure myself soon.

I just simply need a place.

I don’t need someone saying ‘it’s okay Meykke...just let the past be just the past. Leave it behind like it should be.’ I have already damned totally known about this stuff. I know. It was tha past. Totally the past.

There is little pain everytime I remember what you said earlier. Long time ago. Not quite long time ago then. 6 months has already passed by. So fast, isn’t it?

I have clearly remembered what you said back then.

It hurt. But you didn’t hurt me. I just easily get hurt. And the damn saying hurt me, passing my heart, approaching my back. It hurt.

Since you said, ‘don’t wait me..’, I heard it as if you said ‘Never ever put any hope that I will come back to you, because I won’t. Never. Why? I have found out someone I am seeking for. She is my dream girl ever. No matter what, I’m gonna fight for it. Leave you behind at the end.”

Since the time you said it, I damned swear at the deepest of my heart, I never come back to you, even if you want me to come back, even if you turn back to the place where for almost five years we used to be, I am nowhere. I am leaving whole-heartedly.

I make it as my successful key. To throw away the dreams going older with you and spending time holding each other’s hand with you. Thanks for you then. You were the best. My motivation to move on is you yourself.

I never hold onto someone who is willing to go away. Never.

I let you go as I let my feeling to fade away. Then, what is the reality?  Noone is sure. Neither me.

Everytime I said that I have successfully moved on, it was not a lie. I felt that way at that time.

And there was time I was falling in love with the other guy who made differences at me like how I am now. And everytime I said I am falling in love, I was indeed falling in love. Never I use another  guy to be the  method in forgetting you. Never. I was really falling in love, but it didn’t work well.

I got many things from him, things I had never got from you. I am different starting the time I was falling in love with him. Different in good way, even if he has gone out of my life, the differences are not following. Thanks to God I met him. He was the one made me better as a muslimah and as a woman. Nothing incidentally happened. Everything happened has reasons. I believe it.

I am wondering if I didn’t meet him, I will be the same as I was. I was damn.

Then I met him and everything changes.

And now, I am back alone. And I reach the conclusion of all what happened to me. Since love is something unpredictable. Since love is not about choosing, instead being choosen. Since love is something I cannot set up. Since love is something I can not take control as please as I want, since I have many thing to do beside love matter right now, I am putting aside that matter.

I need to focus on my future standing right in front of me now. Nothing else is more important than that. I never come back to you, and I don’t want to seek for, look for, or find out another place to lay my heart on since it didn’t work well for now.

I have to use my brain, and don’t care about my heart. I cannot take control my heart, so I just let it as how it is. If my heart miss you, then just feel it. and just like wind, it would disappear afterwards. If I cannot smile because I want to see your smile like months ago, then I just enjoy the pain since I cannot cure it straightaway as please as I want. If I think that I don’t move, then just ignore it since I have to move here and there. Many things I need to do beside enjoying the damn love left still inside.

No. I write it on not because I want you to see me that I still hold the feeling. I am sure it would go like wind, pufff! Disappear...

And the thing that I want to be your friends, it came out sincerely from the deepest of my heart. Like how I sincerely loved you long time ago.

Starting from when you knocked my heart down and turned it into more than just pieces, I mean what I said. I mean everything what I said.

I want to pay back every kindness you have ever given to me. I know I did nothing for you. Now, let me be your friends, if you need help, I will help you as much as possible. It is not because I want you, it is because I honor you as someone who once colored my life up so brightly, as someone who filled in my heart with so many love long time ago. I honor you as someone, to mention all the kindness you have done for me, God, impossible. You were so kind, and please don’t be hurt.

I have moved on, but it is normal to sometimes remember the moments we cherished together, to miss you, but afterall, I have moved on.

Because I have no intention to experience new love for now. I hope I can find out the last right one and settle down since having a long-time relationship and ended up with nothing is hurt like a hell. Too many memories we have shared. Too many. Even just one memory, I am not able to erase. And I don’t want.

No. I’m writing it not because I’m pathetic. I AM SURELY NO.

Sometimes I need to express something continuously lingering my heart like a glue. Writing it puts me at ease.

Now, I focus. No matter how hard it is, how hard, how terrible, how sad, how destroying, how bleeding, never I let myself down and stay. I cannot help myself falling down, but I make sure that I am gonna soar. 

Why?? 

Because I have God who never leaves me. The best reason and motivation ever.

GOD. Unlike you and everybody who will leave me, GOD never leaves me. As long as I have God, your leaving doesn’t destroy me.

So, please. Run your life well, because I do. Keep your health well, because I do, too. Please, be happy, because I do.

Please, find out the happiness and never regret what you once decided. Because I never REGRET it.