DREAMS

Being the last-year university students lead me to many many qestions about the future I am reaching.

How will be the future I am going to meet?

Who will be the person I am going to spend the rest of my lifetime with?

Will I be successful person?

What will I be??

Who will I be?

What kind of person I am going to marry?

Will I be happy ever after??

And all the thoughts running around my mind without stop, lingering, hold onto, remain staying, drives me nuts!

Sometimes I find out that the world seems so scary, life is so scary, either love is.

Sometimes they are just so cruel, harsh, totally scary. Imagining about the future stays me up all the night. I am the person who often overthink about life. I am the person who sometimes being so scared with life, when what I want and wish is not what happens and becomes reality. And now, since my friends talking about young marriage, leads me to the other thoughts.

When I was still with my 5-year boyfriend, I never thought about getting marriage in such a young age. I am going to run around, I am going to try new things, I am going to reach every dream I want, the marriage was something seems so far away from my sight, I said to him, I'm going married in 28 years old. And now, I am getting mature and I start thinking about the matter. Remembering how my parents’ marriage runs makes me totally scared. If everyone’s wish is to find out someone to spend the rest time together as what their parents do, loving each other, just ‘you and me’, but for me, the things I don’t want the most is the marriage my parents do. I am praying to the God, for my once-life, I hope having the happy love story, supporting each other until the end of the world, and never let another one to enter. And the way of thinking I have is not the same as what the others have. Sometimes I feel so exhausted, but still I know there are many many many people more unlucky than me. And I will just be okay, I think.

And seeing the future, I feel so scared. I give up easily so far. And I am scared if I give up one day. And now, I even being scared of something haven’t happened yet. I suck indeed. I am overthinking person and sometimes I feel anxious, tired, exhausted, I am out of breath.

I have many wishes in my head. I work in the international company as Public Relation and a writer. I am career woman who can do everything I want. At the age of 24 or 25, I get marriage. After getting marriage and having enough money to start the new bussiness, I open up hijab boutique, and focus on it, and give up being Public Relation. At the end, I am a bussiness woman who runs some hijab boutiques. So, I can live as wife, mother, and myself.

I also have three level of job based on the interest I put in.

1. Public Relation or another job in the company. I like nature but I prefer working in indoor. Well, it seems quite iyuuh, but I wish I can wear high-heels in my daily life. I wanna be a career woman in the big city. I wanna be muslimah career woman.

2. Jurnalist and reporter. I like speaking in front of people. In Public Relation I may do presentation, and in this field I even sepak in front of camera and my parents can watch me trough television. Haha... And well, it is outdoor-job. But still, writing and speaking are something I like and I think I am competent with such a thing.

3. English Teacher. If number 1 and number 2 never happen, then here I will be. Being English Teacher and do extra lesson for the students are easier to do than number 2 and 3. I even start doing it. But I hope I will not end up here. I want something more chalenging and dinamic. I want to be busy like in movies I always watch. A woman with blazer, long smooth skirt, high-heels and a big bag hanging on in one of her shoulder, walking so fast because she has no time left,even for lunch, she has to count the time, and in Sunday, she can go around refreshing and may be writing. She has a lot of money so that one day she can start new bussiness and stay all day long at home when she has to be a wife. I can be as busy as possible when young, and will be satisfied when  I decide to end up my single-life.

And I can meet someone who turns out my ex-senior high school, so I can know how he was, what kind of person he is because we have once made friends long time ago. I prefer to have relationship with my old friend rather than with someone who I just met. I cannot trust in people easily. And if God permits, I wanna have a mate who was my senior high school. We meet accidentally and then realize that we actually are meant to be. And without having long-time relationship we decide to settle down and start new life together.

How??

It seems possible?

5 years later when I read this, maybe I will laugh and be thankful, and relieved, and happy.

I hope so. It is the important stage of my life. Although now I cannot approach someone I love more, I cannot do it now, but still I hope the destiny meet both of us. God will meet me and you. In the future. And I can be sakinah, mawaddah, warahmah with him.

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Maybe it sounds totally iyuuuuuuh, miapah ciyusan, like mellowdrama and the stuff. But, I really really mean it and hope it happen in my life running once only. And I believe, God will show the way for me. The future is the result of tawakal and ikhtiar, and God’s hands. And the soulmate is the result of our attitude, the soulmate is the reflection of us, me. Alqur’an says so, and I believe it.

18.02.2013

7:38