Notes For Myself

"How if it happens?"

"How if such a thing happens in my life?"

"How if it doesn't work?"

I'm living in such a messy thought. There are plenty of hesitations running around my head, keep turning there.

Life provides us so many challenges, chances, and failures in between. No, not life, but Alloh SWT. Alloh SWT is the one who created it, and keeps it. Sometimes I'm deeply sad, put blame on me. I have so many mistakes and sins. But God is beyond kind, gives me all what I wish for. 

God gives me such a good blessing so that I have enough in finance. God gives me an interesting past which I can learn to be wiser, more patient and mature. God even gives me a good husband, the kind one, the warm-hearted one, the nicest guy I've ever met. 

The problem is, I'm not that good. I always did something careless and wrong, I put my ego in the first place and feel guilty afterwards. It happens many times. 

I was mad over something silly in the morning and feel deeply guilty at night, after a deep thought about what he has done to me, all the sacrifice he has made, for someone like me.  

Having such a life, now I have the biggest dream. My biggest dream is living in such harmony, flooded with love, and searching for God's blessing with my husband and my children someday.

I have to realize that this dunya is only for a while, it's not eternal, not everlasting. It's just a short time. I wish for a happy and full of blessing family. I wish for a better me as a wife and a mom want-to-be. 

Having such a life, I'm full of gratitude. I'm content with every single piece I have, every single experience I aim, every single happiness and sadness I feel. God is good, though I'm not that good.

Sometimes I really want to be the best of myself, do something better but I have no idea why I'm so egoistic and stubborn. 

I'm asking myself, can I be the one that my most beloved person want? Can I make the most precious one happy? Can I be me?