Thursday, 14 February 2013

11.02.2013


 photo vintage-girly.jpg

I am in totally mess. I am just in a mess. Well, sometime human being cannot control what she is feeling. Just like me.

Because the more days passed, the more my mind linger into you just like a glue.

In the morning when alarm rang, who will come into my mind? You.
In the bus, in my bedroom, in everywhere, who is the one who pop up? You.
Not you who made my life for 5 years. No. It all just ended up. No more him in my heart. But, you.

And if you are wondering how fast it is. I don’t know either. You made it happen. And now everything just remind me of you. And I’m getting deeply into you. But then you are not infront of me.
It was so short, I know. But then, why did you give up totally fast and end everything at once.

Am I a stupid woman who is still waiting for you? Waiting that someday you will text me, or phone me, or meet me, or like me again.

I know you liked me, but then I don’t know you are still into me or no. But, I’m getting deeper into you. I don’t know I maybe crazy. No matter how much I miss you and I want hear your voice, I am bot able to text you first, phone you first. I have no courage. I am too scared to be hurt again. And I just let everything get far away from my sight. Yes, you...YOU.

You never contact me either. Then, I just think that you want it. indeed want it. I didn’t reach the qualification then? Maybe.

And I end up thinking about you all the time. I pressed ‘pause’ button in my heart in it just doesn’t work out. I want to contact you, but it will never happen. I am such damn coward who deeply sank in this messy love.
 
I have just received a text with dot only. And without knowing, the number called me before. And I just reply it with asking ‘who are you’. And what I hope is that it is you. My heart beated so fast because I really hope it’s you since this number contact me in my private number which just certain people know about this number. But then, it replied back that he just try out the number and saying that he is Rokhmat. I don’t care who the hell Rokhmat is. And I was just disappointed. That number when I looked at it, it has two same order number, 39. I remembers when you called me in those amazing time, you said you are going to change your number into M3 so that we can keep in touch and still being economical since we will have the same provider. It was M3, too. And number 3 reminds me of you. And I think I am getting crazy, creating this mellow drama inside my damn head, mind.

I always check facebook just with two purposes. To look my notification whether you update status or not, and to check who-is-online list to see whether you are on-line or not. And I never see your name there. Once upon the time, you are always online so we had a talk in the message intentionally. Are you busy? Or are you hiding? Oh, no...again in my mind there is much negative-thinking especially for the men label.

But, I have no idea about what are you thinking about me now. I f I can, I want to press ‘pause’ button but I cannot find out the button. Either, I’m not going to make a move first. Then, welcome to the cruel world. And I’m getting crazy, I think. I have to wake up soon. And the funny thing I just don’t want to wake up. You passed by my heart, you disappeared and the smell just lingering all the time without stop.
Then, what should I do? This drama is getting too much. I’m too drunk and I have to wake up soon. But, I don;t want to wake up. Either, not make a move.

I’m stuck, not moving on. 

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